Never Ends Does It?

It doesn’t matter how well your day is going when you are the parent of an Autistic child there is always something to deal with. When you are the broke parent of an Autistic child the stress begins to pile so high you can’t begin to see the end of the tunnel. There is always something in the back of your mind giving you the nagging feeling that you are forgetting something. I have found that forgetting is not that hard to do when you have almost a dozen different things to give your child each and every day. Then there are therapy appointments and doctor’s visits just to have lab work done because your child is on so many supplements. It’s expensive.

I read somewhere that it costs approximately $50,000 a year to raise an Autistic child. I’m still wondering where that’s coming from. I don’t think we can cut anymore corners but somehow it’s always all right in the end.  I have to gather up all of the little ones supplements so I can write down the names and doses for our next doctor’s visit. I am so confused right now I can’t even find the child’s clothes without going on a treasure hunt in the mornings. I am so far behind and I’m so tired right now that I have no idea what to do.

I used to have a schedule that was second nature and now it’s kind of flown out the window. Oh well, today I will type up pages from old diaries to destroy the paper copies and still have record of things that I need to go read to see just how far I’ve come these last few years. I’m going to get back to work on that now since I latest project is stalled.

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Should You Ask??

It is very true that what we do not know can not hurt us. So when it comes to suspicions you have to be careful what you ask if you are not truly prepared for the answer that you might get. How do you know that someone is truly what they appear to be? It could be an illusion that the mind has chosen to create in an effort to protect you from what is really going on. I have a lot of questions but I am not asking them for fear that someone might answer me. 


I have friends I know this but at the moment determining who would be a true friend and who would be feeding me a line of crap would be a bit difficult to do. I have allowed my feelings to over rule my common sense it would seem and that is never a good thing. I am totally lost right now and have turned it all over to a higher power for the sake of my sanity. I mean really nothing should confuse a grown woman as much as I have been lately.


I want to know the answers but I am afraid to ask the questions. I know that the answers are few and far between but still what have I got to lose by asking? Everything. I am scared to death right now and that’s fine to. I will sort this out like I have a million times before and I will end up standing taller because of it all. 


I am hurting right now but I am trying to smile through the pain and so far I’m doing pretty good. I think that no matter what happens it’ll all turn out for the best. Well I would be wondering if I should ask so I’m going to think about it for a little while longer. 

It’s All Going to Be All Right

Lately I’ve been dealing with a lot of issues that made me think that things were not going to be anywhere near all right for some time to come. I have since figured out that they will and I am in complete control of when and how they turn out all in the end. I am worried about a dear friend that I hadn’t spoken to in months until just a couple days ago. I had sent him a message hoping to find that he had been busy celebrating all the good things that life has to offer. You can not begin to imagine the hurt and disappointment that I felt when I found out that not only where things not better but they had gotten worse. I had waited and wondered these past few months and now I know. Now it hurts and I don’t like this feeling but I have to be strong. All I can do is to say a prayer for things to turn out as they are supposed to no matter what that is.

I am just along for the ride on this one and hoping that everything turns out for the best. I don’t believe in fairy tales but I do believe that everything happens for a reason. There is so much going on right now that is beyond my control that I’m just going to stop trying and hang on for the ride. I have more news that isn’t sitting well which means I’ve got a lot of letting go to do but I can handle it. I bounce.

When you are faced with difficult decisions you have to know when to sit back and take a break. That is what I am doing and will continue to do until the time is right to make another move.

It’s Always Something

Something always tears up or breaks when you don’t need it to. At the moment I have a broken lawn mower, the grass is taller than I am. Well, not taller than I am but tall enough I can’t see in it which irritates me. It’s not like I want to go out side or anything. Geez.


I am broke until Friday, and even then I’ll still be broke. The bills for October get paid on Friday. I’m waiting for my auto insurance bill to come in and hoping that it doesn’t renew until November. I’m hoping that I don’t forget to renew my license like everyone else that I know has. I don’t care to be driven around I don’t ride well. 


I am waiting on the other half of my project at the moment because the man has the flu and while it’s only a little bit I’d really like it so I can get done. Oh well that’s like. And I’m gone for the day. I’ll be back soon.

Broken Hearts Need Time to Heal

Broken hearts need time to heal, and when you’re the one that broke your own heart it seems to take longer for them to do it. I managed to break my own heart this weekend by getting rid of people that cause me problems and in the process I may have lost one that never caused me a problem. One that I care a great deal for without rhyme or reason to do so. I have found that I get in a hurry and this time it could have cost me someone that I dearly care about. It’s not the first time but you’d think at my age I would know better by now.

One day I’ll learn my lesson but until then I’m simply going to enjoy being in love and feeling love for someone else that is unconditional.

Stalled

OK I’m stalled in the middle of a project. What was originally 15 rewrites turned into 20 no problem. Problem, I have the first ten complete and they have yet to send the last ten. What is going on? I have no idea. My other regular client apparently does not realize a week has already passed or she is still adjusting to the new school year. I got invited to bid on a job but the buyer has only posted seven and three of those are in dispute. I can’t find a suitable sample so I’ll have to write one out real quick if I decide to pursue this opportunity but I can’t afford for it to be in dispute I need the money so I’m considering declining the invitation and just write some of my own things.

I have a dollar in my savings and my bills are more than normal for October but somehow I’ll manage. I do believe that I still have time to be all right provide I keep working steadily. I recently deactivated my Facebook account for a while so that I would not be so distracted which is about to kill me. I never realized how dependent I was on that interaction during the work day. I will working on updating blogs today and writing a few articles of my own while I clean my house. I seem to have a lot to do.

Did This Day Really Happen?

Did it? I mean it seems a bit surreal now. I mean it started normal enough my soon to be ex went back to his old job without any trouble. I put the kiddo on the school bus, he came home I went to work. I did laundry etc. Well we tried to go to therapy and the bottom fell out. They called to say we didn’t have to go but we were already on our way so I said we’d be there. We should have been in about ten more minutes, wrong. The bottom fell out, I couldn’t see a foot in front of me, water was standing in the road and everyone was speeding up. These people ain’t that bright. Anyway I called them to tell them I was wrong and we were going home.


This is where it gets cuter. We turn around during a break in the rain and after I turn down a side street to get off the four lane, it stops completely. Lovely. I gave up and we came home. I had a confused child on my hands since we came back to where we had started at. Well, my soon to be ex went to work and stopped to pick up some stuff that I had loaned out for me since I couldn’t afford to go and it was right by where he works. All is sort of normal now. 


Later this evening he got a call from the job that let him work one day and let him go because of something from twenty years ago. They had realized that it was twenty years ago and they wanted him to go back to work first thing in the morning and to call to get a schedule. At first he said yes then we talked and decided that no matter how badly we might need the money right now he was not going to leave his current job again after the man gave it back to him. 


Oh well, It’s been a long day and I have to get back to life so I’ll be going now.

Cleaning Up a Big Mess

I am in the process of attempting to get my third divorce without losing custody of my youngest daughter. It would seem that my finances are not the only challenge that I would face. Friends don’t stab you in the back and they listen instead of talking over you. Turns out I was right I have very few true friends and I aim to keep those few closer than ever in the coming months. I also intend to casually get rid of the ones that do not listen and cause me more trouble than they are worth.

Years ago I got rid of everyone and everything that caused me to have unnecessary stress. A few months ago I accidentally let one of those people back in my life. You know the kind that is always talking so they hear half of something and can’t comprehend that it’s not their business to share. The ones that jump to conclusions and require having their jaw wired shut to prevent them from talking. I hate people like that always have but since I was like twelve when mother moved me to this annoying place I have been surrounded by them.

I have to figure out how to pay my bills, dissolve a five year marriage before it hits six and falls apart even further. I have no idea why I stayed in this marriage for so long. I do know that I have to get a divorce and get that non-friend back out of my life before they take me along on their path to self destruction. I can not believe my own stupidity in the matter as if I hadn’t had enough problems through the years. I am already tired of just nodding in agreement as they made inaccurate assumptions in an effort to get them to shut up.

At the moment I would be bouncing back and forth between my own writing and writing for private clients in an effort to make ends meet. It would seem that everyone is once again missing the point of self employment and the fact that the more I am out of the house the less I would make. I prefer to get all my work done before I leave the house but they do not understand this.

Well, I see this turning into one long off subject rant so I will be going back to work now. Got a short news article to finish and try to do more of before I can begin my project work for the day.

Self Destruction Anyone?

I am the queen of self destruction it would seem. Funny I thought that I had gotten rid of all those habits that made my world crumble around me but it doesn’t look like I did that at all. Instead it looks like I allowed people back into my life that I had once so carefully drifted away from. It’s my mistake and I’ll fix it as soon as I can. In the meantime I will hope that I have not laid the foundation for everything that I’ve been working so hard for to crumble away from me.

I know that I have made a lot of mistakes and that my nerves are shot once again. I know that I have to do something about that I think the ability to pay my bills without stress will be a good start to getting my nerves back on track where they need to be. I know that I am the only one to blame this time though. Yes unfortunately I had no help to be stupid and that’s what kills me. I can’t say anything went as planned and now all my plans are about to fall apart.

I have never been big on listening and lately all the wrong people have my ear. I can not deal with this at the moment and I think it may drive me over the edge. People read a text book and think they have a degree. They need to reread it I’m pretty sure that there is a chapter or two about shutting the hell up in order to come to those conclusions correctly. I am so freaking irritated at the world that I have one friend that has been a saving grace. I can’t even manage to tell them just how big of a saving grace they have been. I do believe they have come to the conclusion that I am bordering on crazy and at the moment I can not argue with them.

OK time to clean the house and get some work done while I have time alone.

It’s Sort of Falls Into Place

Things are finally starting to fall into place to get my finances back on track. My nerves are another story but at the moment I have steady work which is good. At the rate I’m going since the deadlines were set farther out than I should need in reality on purpose I am right on track to finish up nice and early. My soon to be ex-husband finally got a job he’s been wanting for a long time now and it should take a great deal of stress off me. That is once the bank takes the money that he owes them. I’m glad that will be taken care of.

He still has to call the hospital about the bill that came in from the emergency room visit he had a while back but that’s not my problem. The car loan is less than $125 to pay off, my Internet bill is paid and the money for my phone bill is where it needs to be. No idea about his but mine is good to go. Now to keep working so that the light bill is paid next month. I had to add him to my savings account so that he could have his check direct deposited into the account. I’m wondering just how long it will be before we get everything paid off and caught up. I am running short on time but somehow I think that it’s all going to work out.

A couple new tires would be nice but they have to be gotten before the end of the year and that’s an expense that I dread. I also have to pay the auto insurance this month, it renews in November and I’m hoping to have the full six months then so that I don’t have to deal with it every month.

Well, it’s after six now and I got to run get a shower. The kid is awake but playing in her crib so I’m going to let her until I absolutely have to get her up from school since that is her way of relaxing before she goes.