It’s Bittersweet…..

and a bit painful. I can not get this man off my mind no matter how hard I try I know in my heart that nothing will ever come of this. I am in love alone and I have known it from the start but I do not know what to do about it. I have no idea how we I am going to deal with this. He’s nice enough about it but I have this strange feeling every time I talk to him that he’s trying to come up with a way to let me down easy. I mean to fade me out actually. I know I did this to myself and that makes it hurt even worse. I can not begin to describe the pain that I am in and I did it to myself.

I have no idea how to snap out of this. I find myself listening to sappy old love songs all day long as I attempt to work. Not that I have much work to do at the moment it’s mostly waiting. As you can see I’m blogging at the moment. I am preparing to heal my heart because I know that in just a little while it is going to shatter into a million pieces which is beyond my control. I know the outcome is not up to me because if it was I’d go back in time and stop the fall from starting. I can’t do that though. Instead I’m just going to read my book about a child that grew up without knowing he was on the Autistic spectrum.

So far the plan is to read both his book, hunt down his brother’s book and read all three. Well, it’s not like I don’t spend a lot of time in waiting rooms.

Six Foot Swing

I’ve been hit with a Ten Pound Hammer and that’s all right. “Love hit me like a ten pound hammer with a six foot swing.” It hurts but that’s life. I mean have you ever fell so hard that you don’t even care what they do as long as it makes them happy? Worse have you fell so far you can’t snap out of it even though you know they don’t and most likely won’t return the feeling? It hurts but you can’t help it.

I am in so far over my head that I may never see daylight again and that’s fine with me. I’m not even sure when it happened. I just know it did and I wouldn’t change it for the world. I’ve never felt anything so strongly in my life, that’s scary. That means I get hurt in the end. I don’t like that possibility but it’s one that I live with daily. I can’t explain the feelings that I have and I can’t stop them. I have tried only heaven knows how hard I have tried. Funny he doesn’t even seem to realize the effect he has on me.

I can not recall a time when I was so in love that all reason flew out the window. It is probably for the best that he does not in fact realize the hold he has over me. I mean if he did he could be tempted to do what most men do and take advantage of it. I don’t think that he would I think that I am available to him far too much. I mean for heaven’s sake I was never this available to any of my three husbands once I was had come to a place to decide to stay with them. Hmmm, maybe that’s a bad example since I would be attempting to get my third divorce at the moment.

I could be delusional most probably think I am but I am not. I am in love with a man that I am pretty sure will never feel the same. I have no illusions or delusions that he will one day proclaim his undying love. I know that day will never come and yet I am stuck as stuck can be. Maybe I wouldn’t hurt as much if I could have those delusions but I can’t. I stopped believing in fairy tales a long, long, sad time ago.

Why Does Loving Someone Always Hurt So Much

Have you ever noticed that when you love someone or are “in love” with someone there is a constant aching feeling when they aren’t around? The dull ache is like a knife right to the soul. I can not imagine why something that can make us so happy at times would end up making us so sad as well. Is this really the way that it’s supposed to be? Are we supposed to feel a connection to someone that is so strong we can’t even think straight when we do not hear the sound of their voice? Are we supposed to panic when so much as suspect that they may be in harms way? I mean really is loving someone supposed to hurt so much?

What happens when we fall in love with someone that we know we can’t have? Are we supposed to wait forever or move on being unfair to whoever we are with because we know deep in our hearts that we can not actually feel a love that deep for them? Is it fair to be trapped in love with someone that you can never have? No it’s not but that’s life. When you are truly in love with someone you want them to be happy with or without you.

Maybe we aren’t supposed to know the answers. We may only be supposed to know just how deeply we love that one person and that no matter what we always will.